PRIVATE VICES, PUBLIC VIRTUES
Why do you smoke?
Look...
our future Empress is sleeping.
You see?
I couldn't even wake her up with a pistol shot.
Et voila...
she wears the imperial code of arms everywhere, even on her underwear!
I've never known a woman more stupid than my wife.
Do you know why she's always sleeping?
So that she can dream about how wonderful it'll be when she becomes the Empress.
I swear, she told me. You know I never tell lies.
It is something that characterizes me, that I have always recognized.
And when she wakes up, she only cares about the clothes she should make the future heir.
Underclothes, pyjamas, socks, all with the Imperial code of arms.
But when will she have an heir?
I certainly won't give her one,
in spite of my father, who enjoys writing,
and keeps sending me letters asking things like:
"Have you been doing your duty, my son?"
"Don't you realise that for a future Emperor, it is imperative to have a male heir?"
Male heir? Right, male heir! I was thinking of killing her...
I could throw her in the water; she can't even swim!
Right now she's probably dreaming she's Marie Antoinette...
in the Garden of Versailles, sending us all to the guillotine. Voilà!
It would be better to send her to the guillotine instead!
But now I have to pee! Let me pee! Wait, I can't hold it!
Oh, I'm desperate!
- Here! - I need to... - Here!
Do it in the hat.
- Come... - Perfect! - Come here, dear.
I want it, I want it. Give it to me!
The heart of the sunflower greets me and not the Emperor.
He who wishes to arrive unseen must not give himself away -
and certainly not by offering flowers.
- Do you love me? - Yes, yes.
- Were you unfaithful to me? - Never.
Not even with your wife?
Not even with my wife.
And you?
Oh, yes!
But I promised my brother I wouldn't tell you.
Have you already done your duty?
Not yet. We wanted to wait for you.
May we never forget, my dear old father's a stickler for etiquette.
In honour of the happy, and I hope definitive, departure of my wife...
I'm putting on a pair of trousers.
- Viva! - Viva!
Live, grow, blossom!
You haven't told me about your adventures yet...
What did you and Sofia do?
Well, not far from here we came across a circus and stopped to watch it.
It was a most original show.
- They even had midgets on a flying trapeze, soaring above our heads. - I know them:
they came to the castle for my wife's birthday.
They were supposed to perform for her, but got drunk instead, and I joined them.
In fact, they were all drunk the other day in the tent; that's what was so amusing.
The clowns threw off their costumes, and were jumping around naked.
Oh yes, and there was this British Baroness there;
you should have seen her - like a statue, entranced.
And the ringmaster was walking around among the people,
wearing a mask with an authoritative expression, and crying out: "Music!
”Roll up, roll up! You too can take part in the performance today.
”In here, you can say anything you want.
”Step up to the front and reveal your true selves.
”It's the key to our success.”
Sofia and I burst out laughing.
"What luck," we said, "we've really come to the right place!"
"Mr. Ringmaster," I shouted from the back,
"I shall tell you the story of my life. It's right out of a novel".
And he came up to me, adjusting his mask, and said:
"One moment! Before I let you tell your story to the audience,
"I want to hear it. I have to judge if it's of interest".
"I assure you, it's tremendously interesting," I replied.
"To begin with, Mr. Ringmaster,
"would you believe it if I told you my sister and I are lovers?
"Although we are actually in a ménage-à-trois,
"with the heir to the throne, who is also our stepbrother.
"This is because our mother, when she was young and beautiful,
"was the Emperor's mistress.
"We three are very much in love, and never want to be apart."
"’But what about the Emperor?’", you might ask. "Sometimes when he's a little drunk,
"he calls us all... ‘my children’".
Actually, the Ringmaster couldn't have cared less.
Don't say that. He replied in a solemn voice: "It could be an interesting tale if it were true".
"But it is true," I said, "the whole truth, and nothing but".
"And where is your proof?", he asked.
"How true is the truth, if there is no proof?"
How much longer do you think they'll go on letting us do as we like?
How silly you are!
Everything we're able to get away with is time gained for us.
Don't count the days.
It's not as if my father didn't know.
And he always... takes everything very seriously. Even our games.
In fact, he's taken us so much to heart, that several days ago...
he threw all our friends in prison.
- Did you know that? - Yes.
And there they talked...
they were made to confess whether there is a conspiracy, organised by us.
Then why doesn't he arrest us?
And cause a scandal? Never.
He can't admit that his son is plotting against him.
I want to force my father to arrest us.
It's the only weapon we have.
An envoy of your father, the Emperor, has arrived...
and wants to speak with you.
Come! Let's make it fun...
Greetings, Colonel. I see with pleasure that you're a General now?
Thank you, Your Highness.
And I see you have a bodyguard.
My father is so generous to those who are loyal to him.
Your Highness, I have orders...
Excuse me, but first I have to take a bath.
I am here by order of His Majesty, your father.
Are you going to arrest me?
Your Highness, the Emperor sent me here to give you a letter from him.
Behold!
How nice...
Umbrellas!
I think it's going to rain.
Ah, yes...
It often rains here when it's sunny.
You may take shelter here, General, if you wish.
See them off!
Our Holy Emperor, in his letters, has taught us...
that a dog is a man's best friend.
This being so, if a dog chases a man in order to bite him,
does it signify that he who is being chased is not a friend, nor even a man?
Our Holy Emperor has also taught us...
that nothing is more embarrassing than a bitch in heat...
because she has no shame.
She'll do it anywhere. And she doesn't mind who watches.
Our Holy Emperor teaches us many things,
and because he's a highly cultured man,
he has fixed ideas about everything.
As we grow up, he imparts his doctrines...
and makes us learn them all by heart.
Family, procreation, the government, sin: he has a proverb for every subject.
Now that we know all of the Emperor's doctrines,
each day, after lunch,
we do spiritual and physical exercises, in order to forget them.
We do this because they are too many. Each is different from the other,
and we are different from them all.
You know something...
I've just had a great idea.
Let's hear it.
If it's really good, we'll put it into action immediately.
Tomorrow, our friends from the circus are coming to the castle.
And at the same time, I thought we could throw a spectacular party.
We'll entertain the sons and daughters of the noblest families in the land.
We'll have fun, and above all, make them drink.
Theresa's yellow powder, added to the champagne at the right moment, will work a miracle.
And then I'll photograph it all.
I want them drunk,
intoxicated and uninhibited,
in every picture.
With such photographs in our hands, your father will no longer be able to suppress the scandal.
There have been too many dangerous secrets hidden away in closets, and too much traffic made of harmless ones.
We'll procure documents, show proof... create an uproar.
May all the children of the Empire spit on their fathers.
Long live all traitors!
Silence! We'll begin the party with a nice family portrait.
Just a moment...
A little closer.
Look over there.
Smile.
- Good. - Wait a minute!
Where's Teresa? Go and call her.
Teresa, won't you join us for the photograph? Hurry up.
- Yes. - Come on. - Wait... first have a sip of this.
It's good, eh? Good... a little more...
Come on.
Wait.
Come on.
Ready? Don't move...
They're here! The Circus of Truth has arrived.
All hail Mary!
Here we are.
The Baroness Gallis.
Give me a kiss.
The most illustrious youths of the Empire are at our disposition.
Please!
Baroness von Beck Delo, Countess von Trollen, Princess Fabrizius von Deker,
Countess von Anschel, Giuliana Freiton Kapdeburg, Ernst Edel von Bock Paulus,
Countess Koburg-Kohari...
and the Baroness Von Tan Antje Schmidt.
- Welcome to the Castle! - Please, Gentlemen...
- You must try the champagne. - Here it is.
It's a special brand, a very special one.
You'll like it very much, you'll see.
We had it sent from far away, especially for this party.
Please, Countess...
Dear Prince, why aren't you drinking?
Have you already taken your drink?
Please...
And now: "To your health".
- You still haven't drunk your drink. - No...
My dear!
What do you think of our Hungarian dancers?
- They're great, are they not? - Yes, yes, indeed they are.
- Is everything ready? - All according to plan.
The powder is very effective.
You'll see!
Live, grow, blossom!
Another toast!
Attention! Attention!
Now we will start the spectacular dance competition.
We have abolished all the rules of etiquette.
If you get too hot, feel free to discard your clothes!
Complete abandon is good for the health!
One! Two! Start the competition!
Come!
The dance continues! Courage!
- Hey! It's time to take a photograph. - No, wait.
They are not yet tired enough.
Courage! Arise!
Courage! The competition continues!
Go ahead, keep on dancing!
- Dance! - Courage!
Let's dance!
Giuliana, keep going! Keep going, Giuliana!
Continue!
Antje Schmidt, go on, go a bit longer! Courage!
This will make a beautiful picture.
Freeze! Hold it!
You see? The fever is mounting... and will continue to rise.
Silence! Silence! Silence!
Ladies, gentlemen: We have arrived at the magical moment of the Dauphin's Party.
The friends of Baroness Mary...
will now entertain us with their famous revue:
"People and the Masks They Wear".
Each person has many faces:
a face for every circumstance...
for every situation...
and for every emotion.
Who knows how many faces our Holy Emperor has?
May I look?
Oh, how good!
Give me more champagne!
Here you go. Drink! Drink!
- Cheers! - Cheers! - Cheers!
One moment, please!
A very important message...
An hour ago, the Emperor abdicated in favour of his son.
This news has brought much happiness to all those who love him dearly.
He who until yesterday was only heir to the throne,
- is now our new Emperor! - Viva!
Prostrate before him!
Stand to attention!
- Long live our new Emperor! - Viva!
Long live our new Kaiser!
Today... our new Empress will be Baroness Mary.
I have decided to divorce my present wife, because I don't love her.
I only married her by order of my father, the Emperor. But I love Mary,
who is beautiful, young...
and intelligent.
And now, everyone will kiss the breasts...
of our new Empress.
Long live Mary, our new Empress!
Long live the new Empire!
Attention! I appoint my friend, the Duke,
as Prime Minister of our great Empire.
Sofia, his sister, will be his wife.
Long live the Prime Minister!
Long live Sofia!
He was a despicable tyrant!
I want all of you to become my ministers.
My wife, the new Empress, will distribute the new ministries.
He'd make a good Minister of Foreign Affairs, don't you think?
Prince Fabrizius von Deker!
He has a nice ass: Chief of Police.
And everything else...
Exactly. Make him Minister of War.
Listen! Listen!
The first act of the new Council of Ministers...
will be the destruction of the ancient regime.
Attention, ladies and gentlemen!
One of our guests has proposed to pay tribute...
to the memory of his grandfather, General von Beck, hero of Custozza and Königgrätz.
This warrior dedicated his whole life to his country,
without wasting a single minute on women.
His sexual appetite was satisfied by an occasional encounter with a turkey,
because, he said, they cause no problems, they don't insist you listen to silly chatter,
they never cry, they won't leave you for one of your subordinates,
and above all,
only they are capable of dying for love.
Where is the General?
When I was in the military academy, he was my tutor.
On my father's orders, he put a blackboard in my room.
Every day he wrote on it all of my negligent acts, my insubordinations, my misdeeds.
Each month he would sum them up and send the list to the Emperor.
My father would respond by suggesting this or that punishment.
And the Colonel would carry them all out with indescribable pleasure.
You can't imagine how happy he was to be able to take the whip in his hand.
My dear Colonel!
# Mama disappeared and is no longer here #
# What end awaits dad? #
Do you like playing with life?
Yes, I do.
I'm sorry, Your Highness, but I have orders to arrest you.
Really? In that case...
I'm ready to follow you.
Stop!
Nobody can touch our new Emperor, not even a General. Right, my friends?
Let go of me!
Stop! Stop!
Let go of me!
You'll pay for this!
Which is best: to mete out punishment, or to receive it? What do you think?
Come along, Your Majesty.
Let's give him a taste of his own medicine: a little military discipline.
Did you hurt your legs?
Poor thing! Are you hurt?
How are your muscles?
You do well to exercise at your age.
I'll beat you all!
Stop!
It's useless to open it.
Why?
I'm sure my father will be writing to tell me I have to give him the photograph of the orgy,
and allow myself to be arrested...
- alone. - Sure!
Alone you are just a child, albeit a little crazy...
Together, we humiliate him in public, politically.
He would have to arrest us and put us on trial.
That's what we want... not what they want.
I don't want to kiss you!
Don't cry - this isn't a funeral!
They'll do you no harm; you'll see.
This does not concern you.
Go now.
And don't forget us!
Why are you letting them go?
- What will they do to you? - I don't know.
- Do you want me to stay? - No, go.
You've come back?
I'm tired of living the way I have until now.
I want to stay with you.
Will you have me?
Here's to our future trial, which will be the most sensational of the century.
I shall tell all I know of the emperor's private life.
I, however, will explain the constant lies used as a pretext...
to arrest our friends,
at least, those whose fathers are not important.
I drink a toast to their innocence.
The soldiers say that your behaviour's disgraceful,
and that you're all crazy.
Poor soldiers - they themselves are good people!
If the Imperial Guard says we're crazy, it's true. My father's men are always right.
Look! Look! I'm completely insane!
- You're crazy! - Yes, indeed!
Be careful, I bite!
Come, sweet prince!
Let's show the Imperial Guard...
how someone can be mad, without being mad.
And we'll show them how half-witted a half-wit can be...
to think someone is mad who is not mad.
Here comes the Emperor's elite guard.
The heart of the fatherland beats in time with their firm, measured step.
Come on! We mustn't keep them waiting.
Stop!
Hold it!
Back in line!
Watch out! These are dangerous madmen.
Go ahead, heroes!
All follow our miraculous Kaiser!
Come back! Get back in line!
Come back here!
Attention, attention, please!
It's done!
Enough! I said, enough!
- Excellency! - It's your dear papa!
You see how he cares for us!
- Your Highness, may I speak with you? - With me, no...
however, here is your son.
How old you are, Dad?
All those wrinkles!
Is life so difficult, even for those who collaborate with the Emperor?
You hypocritical swine!
All your life you've done nothing but bow down to the Emperor.
To further your career, you even sent my mother to sleep with him.
How many innocent people have you had murdered?
You've endorsed all the evils of that tyrant, without a twinge of conscience.
And now you've come here to tell us that we are evil and savage.
Us!
Poor papa.
One, two. One, two.
- How are you? - Good...
I'm really happy.
But now I would sleep.
Sorry. I can't wait any longer.
I have very specific instructions.
I had hoped... to save my children.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Let's go!
- What is that music? - Aren't you scared?
Why? They can't do anything to me.
They can kill you.
For what reason?
There are those who are paid to invent reasons...
The body of the Crown Prince...
will remain, with that of the girl.
The others are to be removed.
If you have tears, my friends, prepare to shed them.
I, as a simple and honest man,
who has neither the wit, nor words nor worth,
nor the power of speech to stir men's blood...
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts,
but to speak with respect, and to recount the truth.
The heir to the throne committed suicide this evening...
after having killed the woman he loved,
whom, for reasons of state, he could never have married.
This man, called by God to fulfil the highest of destinies,
ordained by birth to become the Father of his people,
has bowed his head.
Only you can judge, oh Lord, if the fault was his.